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[bed time] Me: Your mom told you to stay in bed. 3-year-old: There's a scary monster in my closet Me: Scarier than Mom? 3: *goes to bed*
My son can now reach the light switches so don't come over my house unless you're really into raves or want to have a seizure.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
I'm at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old holding a permanent marker without the lid.
3 year old: What's neglect mean? Me: Shhh daddy's playing video games.
[At dinner] Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat? Me: Probably like 90% D: So it's 10% balls? Me: *spits out food*
Hang on guys, I think my toddler is getting to the good part of his four hour long story and I don't want to miss it
Me: I made pork. 3yo: I don't like pork. Me: It's chicken. 3yo: Oh, yeah, I like that kind of chicken. #Parenting #PickyEater #Win
Babies are okay if you're into alarm clocks that poop.
Friend: What are you bringing to the party? Me: DA NOISE!!! Friend: Me: Friend: So just your kids? Me: Yeah... :(
I let my 3-year-old make her own dinner. She put candy corn on top cold pizza The apprentice has become the master.
